Daniela’s birthday is this Saturday. She will be turning 40 years old. This has always been a difficult day for me because she has been mentally ill since she was in her teens. She has now been mentally ill for most of her life, it is a horrible thing to really face. I always wonder if she can still remember how it felt.
When I was a child, I used to hate seeing her suffer and would often pray that she would die so that she would be set “free”.
As I got older, I started to really look at what her eyes were telling me, especially when she was more lucid. There were times I would see the flash of Daniela in her eyes. Sometimes she would even jump around the room and start to joke with me. For that moment, I had my sister back.
The truth is that they never really go away but the illness becomes a fog around them and we start to (choose) to let them completely go.
I will always miss seeing her as a cheerleader, jumping around in the deaf cheer-leading squad, showing me how to put on make-up, and protecting me from harm, but I sure as hell am going to take the time to remind myself that she is still there.
Yes, she can be violent and hard to deal with at times but she is still my sister and I love her despite that. Actually, I love her more because the truth is that she is suffering more than many of us can imagine. She is often violent with the people that she loves the most. After it passes, she feels horrible. She signs that she has a broken brain. She knows that she will not be loved as much. She knows the routine.
It has to feel horrible knowing that you hurt the people you love (because you are ill) and they start to turn from you. Mental illness is already so lonely. Often times they hate themselves for their illnesses…having one more person hate them, does not help the situation at all.
As Daniela gets the season one Wonder Woman DVD I sent her, she will be going back to that time before she was ill. As she sits in front of the T.V. maybe it will take her somewhere else? Maybe she will feel a wave of being “normal” again; catching up on Wonder Woman before her cheer rehearsal.
I will never know.
I do know that I cannot believe she is turning 40.
I also have to admit, I wish I could have helped her have the life that she deserved; but I am happy enough that I can give her the love that she deserves, so she does not feel so alone.
Happy Birthday Daniela. I love you.
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