I have been called “the counselor” many times in my life. In high school, I swear that my phone line became a call center. I was constantly making sure people felt better before they hung up, often times, going from one line to the other with call waiting.
Although, listening to so many stories, one story has always been important to me…helping people get out of abusive relationships – physical or mental.
The importance of this is beyond words and more along the lines of, if you choose a bad partner, you have basically screwed your future. Sad but true.
My mother spent many years of her life, with the wrong person. She went to another country and did not speak the language and little by little the unhealthy relationship ate away at her personality. By the time I was growing up, I only knew that she liked carnations and that was only because they were cheaper and she felt bad because she did not want us to use a lot of money.
I always imagined how it would have been if my mother would have re-married to a wonderful man and instead of doubting men for the rest of her life…
I wanted to write a post about this because every day people consider leaving people but do not do it. Why? If you have ever been in an unhealthy relationship, it brainwashes you. I used to be the tough woman that said, ” I will NEVER let a guy treat me that way, I will leave the second he does anything like that.”
First of all, when you fall for somebody it is RARE that they come at you with their mean face. No, you get flowers, poems, and the ” I love you extra” when people around. This whole ” I love you extra” is not understood until you have been in this abusive relationship and you have just had a bad fight and they were either abusive physically or verbally and people come around. Well, the ” I love you extra” is turned on as they hug and kiss you in front of the unexpected person. This unexpected person usually blurts out ” Oh, you are so lucky!”
Lucky my ass.
The worst part of it is that YOU SAW that ” I love you extra” at the beginning but did not want to see it (because, he was just SO great), as for the million other things that creep in toward the end.
It is hard to see that you were fooled but trust me, there are A LOT of women out there that have experienced this. I have been fooled twice in my life.
I have heard so many stories from women in the past who tell me that nobody would believe them if they told people that their significant other was abusive because he was “such a great guy” in front of others.
Once when I spoke openly about how I was in abusive relationships in the past with 2 of my friends over tea. When one of my friends left, the other woman opened up to me. She was a tall, strong woman and she was getting physically abused in her relationship. You never would have guessed…anybody could be abused!
She asked if I believed her and I said, ” Yes I do!” I had met her boyfriend in the past and he had that sunny personality and everybody loved him. I believed her because I was with somebody like that in the past. I was glad that I could be there for her because I lost a lot of my friends and mentors in the past because nobody believed that he could have been a bad guy when I left him. He made up a bunch of lies and I was painted to be the evil one. That was definitely an eye opening experience for me.
I was glad that she confided in me and I was glad that I could help her. I was on her case for a few weeks and made sure that she would not answer his calls after they broke up. Little by little he stopped calling and now she is in a healthy relationship.
It was wonderful to know that I helped at least one person.
Nobody should ever abuse you physically or mentally. If you notice that you are losing your shine, already have a “show face” in order for when you end up bumping into somebody after a fight with your partner, stop having favorite things because you like what they love, lose all your own opinions, believe that you are crap based on what they are telling you, are not getting ANY compliments, getting compliments after they have been abusive with you or ESPECIALLY forgetting who you are—get out. Fast.
Without knowing who you are, you will NOT succeed. You will not have the confidence to go out there and follow your dreams and you will end up having children and then teaching them to choose a partner just like you have chosen…and then it never ends (watch the video from the link at the bottom of the page). Unless, luckily, they make better choices.
Being in a healthy relationship, brings great mental health. Ever since I have been with Jacob, I have soared in various areas in my life and want others to do the same. If I had not left the ugly situations in my past, I definitely would not be here. Sometimes leaving can feel lonely and scary but in the end you will be grateful. I would NEVER go back to that fear and because of my past, I appreciate Jacob that much more.
I had to write a blog about this because I have a personal past with this and I feel so blessed to be in a healthy relationship now. Never think that all guys are jerks, raise your standards and the first bad sign that you see, get OUT quickly.
Let me leave you with this beautiful story…
There was a loving Czech couple that was a huge part of my family growing up, the Jarolimek’s. Well, Mrs. Jarolimek (I will call her this because I do not know her maiden name) was married before him and unfortunately; it was with an alcoholic that abused her. After she had the strength to leave him, she met a wonderful man. Mr. Jarolimek. They had such a beautiful relationship. They would always stare at each other with a twinkle in their eyes (I swear this is true) and until the day she died, they would cross the street holding hands.
One day, when I was in high school, Mr. Jarolimek came into our apartment crying. Mrs. Jarolimek had died. I will never forget the pain in his eyes; he was walking around as if he had bottomed out. He said he did not know what to do without her. I was so overwhelmed at how much pain I was feeling for him but completely shocked that a person could love somebody so deeply. I never saw this growing up with my parents.
When my mother told me years later that Mrs. Jarolimek was married to an alcoholic before this…I was shocked.
Can you imagine how different her life would have been without him?
She would have died never having known how it felt to have somebody look at her with so much love and despite the pain of losing her; he never would have loved so deeply.
Amazing isn’t it?
I am lucky to finally have a good guy.
I am glad that I made the necessary choices to get out of an unhealthy relationship. I am grateful that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with a hand to hold. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, know that you be in A HEALTHY ONE too!
I know that I am a hopeless romantic and many of you may find this cheesy but even if you are not hopeless romantics, at least make sure you are with a GOOD partner. No fireworks needed.
If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out. Here are some organizations that you can contact and here are some anti-domestic violence videos that you can watch:
Children learn from parents
Kiera Knightly Women’s Aid Add
Verbal Abuse How to Save Yourself on Oprah.com
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National Organization for Women
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Having been in two abusive relationships myself, I think you have put into words the feelings that are so hard to express. I’m so glad that you have a happy, healthy relationship now, you deserve it!
It is amazing how you do not realize how far you are from the CORE of who you are until you are rediscovering it again. I love seeing the light in your face in all the pictures that you have up. That was gone when I knew you a long time ago…I really KNOW how that feels! I think when you discover how wonderful you are (especially after a bad relationship), you realize that you are worth SO MUCH MORE and then start to be more cautious with the next choice because you know that you have so much to lose. it hurts so badly when you are there and then you become numb in order to survive and then you start to collapse….BUT when you finally leave, that release and that first breath of fresh air is heaven.
I am proud of you!!!
I have very deep feelings on this topic. I know that when I married Helen, she thought that it was her duty to be married to someone even if she had to settle for the first person to propose to her because she might not have a second chance, even with the wonderful person that she was. I have always thought that any woman should select a partner because she wants to be with him (or her) and not because she needs someone to take care of her. That is why being educated and experienced in the ways of the world and society in general is so important in a persons life. Unfortunately, too many women have to deal with guilt feelings that are rooted in church, family, society, and friends. Sometimes women feel that it is their job and theirs alone to mother and care for everyone and tend to disregard themselves and feel that they have to sacrifice themselves for their family, especially for their fathers, husbands and sons. Thus, the Mijo factor. I wish all men could be taught to want a woman partner as an equal and a partner instead of as a substitute mother, they would be so much healthier mentally. Mental and physical abuse are like chains and locks that are attached to a persons soul and without a key, that person is a prisoner for life. Helen taught me to be tender and positive, something I wish I would have learned before entering into our marraige. I was lucky enough to want to learn.
Robert,
That was so well said. It is unfortunate that there are not more people like that in the world. It would be wrong for me to say that it is only men, because I have heard cases of women being pretty abusive as well. I know I am lucky to have Jacob and never want to feel like I am locked in chains again; a complete prisoner.
I am shocked that Helen felt this way because she was one of the few people in this world I can honestly say was like an angel. I am glad she got lucky with you and did not end up with somebody that would have been horrible to her…it would have dimmed that light she had for sure.
You should write a book ” Stop being the mijo” ha ha. That would be powerful and funny at the same time. Something really does need to happen to change this. I think people need to value themselves more and leave at the SMALLEST sign of an abusive partner. It can really ruin your life.
Thanks for the amazing comment! No more Mijo factor!